Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
