tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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