I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
