Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
