He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
