Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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