My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
