If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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