Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
