The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
