I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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