Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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