you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
