Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
