My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
