Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
