tell your sister to shave her snatch
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
