i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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