ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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