there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We talked him into tasing himself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
