so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I love you. Go after that dick
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
