u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
