You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
