Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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