Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
