I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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