These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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