Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
