Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
