i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize