oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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