So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
