I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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