Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
