First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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