You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
i am craving dick and cupcakes
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
