I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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