Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
