How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
