Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
