it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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