At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
