Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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