Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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