You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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