Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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