Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
