i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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