my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
