this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
