i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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