I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
