The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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