I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
