If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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