what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize