on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
