dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
