why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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