they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
