I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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